Even Seasons Change



I always wanted to paint someone

"We'll play stop and go but it feels just like freeze tag."

Dear Everyone,
It's been a while since I hoped on here to give you all little tid bits of info about my life. This will be a "highlight" update of course because I personally don’t think that I'm interesting enough to just write tangents anymore well and there’s the new thing which is draining but I'll get to that in the "highlights" section :]
So without further addoo, "highlights"


1. If you don't understand any of this or me or know who I am for that matter just rewind like a lot of posts back and stuff, I don’t feel like re-iterating everything I've been through and how its changed because it has aside from my dosage of kid kimo has upped a little bit because the pill amountage isn’t "killing me enough" (no that is not a scientific term that is just my way of saying it)


2. I suck at grocery shopping; no let me re-state this so that there is no confusion, I REALLY suck at grocery shopping. The other day I went in, money in pocket ipod in ears- needless to say I was fuckin ready for some walmart grocery shopping.... or so I thought. I grabbed my basket which I named "bascket" and began on my journey through the aisles of food and angry families. I somehow managed to almost die about 3 1/2 times, was rammed by almost a dozen baskets and also got lost like twice. At the end of my excursion I had only filled the kid portion of my basket and realized I had completely forgotten what I like to eat and among this revelation I also realized that 4 year old kids can fill a grocery basket better than I (but on a plus note I found the most generic cola ever). So after failing miserably at grocery shopping I jumped on the back of "bascket" and sped out of walmart and toward my truck like a getaway driver (and yes, everyone looked at me like I was nuts)


3. I got a new eye infection so yes the white blood cell killing powers of my pills are working and yes the infection sucked. Spent countless dollars and time at the eye doctor, had the front of my cornea scrapped for testing and couldn’t see for almost 2 weeks (the world is a very cruel place when you're suddenly thrown into it and you can’t see and everything burns) but I find out today whether or not I'm officially better. Fingers fuggin crossed, right?


4. Been watching lots of new movies, listening to lots of new bands, tryin out some new concepts in life, trying to find the drive to not stop being artistic (mainly writing and music), and lastly trying not to drop off the face of the earth so much.


5. Planning a vacation because I fucking need one at this point


6. Lastly, I'm starting this new art project. I'm going to be doing this thing we used to do on the poetry slam team I ran in college where you basically write streams of consciousness for roughly 5-10 mins off a random phrase. I'll be posting this in my tumblr along with all the random pictures and phrases I already post. So if you care to read my crappy poetry and look at my awkward pictures by all means, stop by and check it out. :] http://mattstetris.tumblr.com/

but otherwise,
Until Later, Bye

The One Eyed Boy vs. The World

I finally have a plan

"So give me the fevers that just won't break, and give me the children you don't wanna raise, and tell me about the cool he sings you in those songs, if it's better than my love then bring it on."

Dear Everyone,

Well it’s been a while friends...
I apologize for my absence things have just kinda become a little bit much in recent months so needless to say I decided to take some time off in whatever ways I could.

But this one isn’t going to be an epically long post just a small snippet for everyone to catch up on the highlights so yeah,

My sickness fluctuates, I trudging along and just sorta take it for what it is. My eye got a new disease that I get to live with, it’s called irritis. If you look it up online apparently you'll just hear a buncha horror stories is what the doc told me, I of course have yet to look it up, I just know that because of it I've been wearing glasses for almost a month now- with my luck it'll make me go blind in one eye (C'est la vie) then I get to be a pirate and I swear to god if that happens I will always talk with a pirate accent and I will always talk about rum and booty.

As far as my old disease goes it didn’t get better and it didn’t get worse since I was in the hospital, it just sorta stayed the same so the doctor decided to change my meds; Still steroids for 12 more months, new stronger constants, and kimo's kid brother (basically get kimo slice it in half then turn it into a pill) so needless to say I don’t feel too hot these days but I'm rather optimistic about things on that scale.

I'm still doing the whole writing and playing and recording thing as much as I can muster. Started drawing a little bit again. Took up photography again which is nice. Decided I'm going to try to start working out again, I'll let you know how that goes considering the pills and there side effects.
Oh, and I read a hell of a lot now. Like 2 books a week at least basically.

But I think that’s the just of things at the moment, I'm lookin up and trying to keep my eyes focused there. Get a hold of me if you need me take care and ummm yeah.

oh and congrats to jake on the very awesome surprise that he was just recently blessed with. :]
Until later, bye.

08/08/2011



Laura showed me this and now I'm giddy

"you say I only hear what I want to, you say I talk so all the time so."



Like a shooting star or a secret I pushed her into my pocket- not to be forgotten and not to be remembered but like a love letter, I just wanted to hold onto it a little while… and you’re like a dead friend these days, you’re never around- shifting through my memories, making seconds fall away from me and it’s getting so fucking hard to breathe... and I can’t say things I want to say out loud anymore- it’s started sounding too much like a prayer or a wish and I don’t believe in miracles anymore, I don’t believe in a lot of the things you taught me anymore… I feel guilty for that… My eyes are so tired these days and my hearts so bitter and you’re not around to re-name stars or laugh my troubles off till I can laugh my troubles off and I don’t blame you… I just remember when we used to drive all night letting street lights outline us and hide us, I remember when we used to count back from ten in our heads and count out loud all the things we’d say out loud if we knew how to say them out loud, I remember when we used to laugh… I remember when we used to laugh and it was easy and it was simple and it felt good. But now there’s a hole in the summer and your fingerprints are all over this one… messy and chaotic but simple and pure… just like you always were- like nicotine I can’t taste or some stupid little promise made but still no matter how hard I try I don’t blame you… even if you’re gone now I don’t blame you, even if I want to I don’t blame you and I don’t know if it’s because I miss you or because in my heart I know I pushed you… but maybe one day you’ll forgive me, pick up the phone and call me… until then I guess I’ll sit back and stare at the stars counting back from ten thinking of the way things once had been.

Until later, bye

I Can't Stop Shaking

"I wanna hold your hand so tight I'm gonna break my wrist, and when the vultures sing tonight I'm gonna join right in."

Dear Everyone,

I'm tired.
The days are long, the moments don't make the most sense anymore and let downs are kind of just a way of life. Memories are even becoming somewhat of an overused and tiresome excuse for thinking...

Today I’m using the blog for well… blogging. What I mean is I’m using it to talk to myself or just kinda write down my head… So if that is something you’re not into then peace out otherwise enjoy my rambles.

My hands don't really stop shaking anymore... some days worse than others but none the less they're always there unless I'm tirelessly pounding away at something to keep me busy and I can confidently say that it's hard to always keep my hands busy. It’s like a chore when all I want to do is sit still, I just want the world to stop for 5 minutes so I can breathe or even just catch myself - I feel like I've been falling for such a long time now that my watch has run out of batteries broken shattered and pieces of the glass from the front have flown off and poked me in the face.

It's weird
The way my head works is so logical lately, where if you know me decently then you know I think with my feeling 9 times out of 10. The world just doesn’t make sense anymore I guess haha the simplest of things don’t have a lay out- they lack essence. But I guess it’s hard to say that most things don’t lack essence these days. We live in a world where everything revolves around fingertips and fingerprints but surprisingly enough everyone is too afraid to get their hands dirty.

Truth, secrets, lies- there's no lines being drawn anymore. Everyone has something to hide its just how deep does it go. The meaning of stop was forgotten when the world became obsessed with the meaning of go.

No band update, No life update- nothing’s changed. If you care about my birthday it’s on August 10th, gifts are no longer necessary due to the fact that I don't really care.
toodles.

Until later, bye.

The Countdown and what-nots



Another albuquerque sun


"You never knew that it would take so long to understand you're right where you belong."

Dear Everyone,

Dreams are weird.

I've been having a lot of dreams lately that don't necessarily make any small inkling of sense... that's un-nerving for me. It's like these past few months have just been a fucked up train ride through all the years that made the most of an impression on me. I'm currently trying to put the pieces together in my head thinking that there has to be some sense to be made of my dreams and the things that keep happening- so far no luck really. For example last night my dream contained ninjas, a concert, racing on tramway, zombies, rachel, tess, jacob, charissa, chelsea, laura, memories and a lot of running... I just simply can't find any resemblance of logic there at all... I'm reading too much into this so onto "the plan/countdown"

So as some of you may know and if you don't then put it in your calendar squares, MY BIRTHDAY IS 13 DAYS FROM NOW!!! (August 10th). So the questions arise,
What are you getting me?
What am I going to do?

yeah... those are pretty much all the questions I can think of... and well I can't answer the first one but I can answer the second. THE PLAN.
Currently my plan is to either; go on a road trip but seeing as how the world is a cruel place and I don’t see anyone tossing tons of bucks my way for said trip I don’t quite think this is going to be the choice that wins but if by some miracle its possible this is exactly what I will be doing.

The other option is to have a day of fun filled awesomeness which would include but not be limited to the following: Water balloon and gun war, Dinner, Jemez camping trip, Bar-B-Que in park, Going swimming, Lots of silly string, Captain America in theaters, Booze and guitar antics... and well anything else that you can come up with (I'm also currently accepting more ideas). So everybody, plan for it, embrace it, or just ignore it if you want- tis your choice.

(Life Update) To put it simply, my life has been uneventful. I've starting playing a game which very well may be the most twisted and sadistic game I've ever encountered which is always a fun experience. I've been looking into sickness stuff and trying to look things up to try and make myself better but it seems like every day I'm either staying the same as I was before or I'm getting worse... It's rather discouraging. 

I also apologize to everyone that hasn’t been hearing from me as of recent, I'm kinda going through one of those phases where I don’t talk to anyone and I don’t leave my apartment- I've recently started to come out of my living quarters though, you can thank Tess for that. I also read and finished a book this week, it was called "A love story *staring my dead best friend*". It was about death, love, and finding yourself in the best kind of way- with a road trip. It was a nice read, it made me feel accomplished finishing it and it left a good taste in my mouth afterward. I guess this is that point where I update the band stuff like always so

BAND UPDATE: things are still moving along at a nice steady pace. Recording a couple rough tracks is suppose to happen this weekend but it's still not a for sure thing. I have a could chunk of songs written and I've been getting help on added or re-writing guitar parts from Jake which has been a huge help. Also I've started a less serious and more fun loving side project which you should expect to hear from very soon. And for now that’s all the updates.

So... expect but don’t hold me to it- I'm gonna try and keep up the blog updates (yeah I said that last time too and I've been working on this one for like a week now but due to sickness and storms I've had delays).

Oh and happy birthday shout outs to Rachel Kristine Rovere Fowlds and Chambrie Yates!!
Also sad good-byes to Tess Taylor who is moving to Florida to be with that guy RC that she likes a whole hellava lot :]


So yeah, I think that's all for now...
Until later, bye

What It Feels Like To Be Alive

Why yes, yes that is my foot

"Every night when I'm trying to rest my head on the floor half-stoned thinking 'damn, this shit gets old'"

Dear Everyone,

Well friends, family, people I don't know- this is me posting a blog in order to attempt to not disappear for forever again (which is a month in matthew time) so hello.

Lately I've been going through a lot of changes (cha-cha-cha-changing) with my new realization of my own mortality, Somethin in your head just starts clickin differently when a doctor tells you that you aren’t healthy (among other things) anymore. I honestly didn't know how to react when I got outta the hospital- it was surreal to look at everything again haha it felt like my eyes had a sepia lens on them or something and everything around me (metaphorically of course) resembled glass, I had to be careful of everything including how I treated myself. My life began to consist of 5 pill bottles, daily check ins, channel surfing, body aches, and an overwhelming appetite attached to a very small stomach that had been shrinking over the past 2 weeks due to my not eating before going into the hospital.

I spent most of that time just sitting around pondering life, I went through all the fun stages of grieving as if the doctor told me that I had a week to live or something basically because I didn’t know what else to do not to mention I had seen it on enough movies that it made sense to try it. Surprisingly it turned out for the best, I ended up "bettering myself" (being the only way I know how to describe it). I kinda just threw myself into art and friends, I think it was the fact that I decided I didn’t want to waste anything anymore. It was hard at first, not dwelling I mean, but thanks to a few people (Dez, Laura, Mel, Stefunny and my parents mainly) I kinda did the whole bounce back thing.

It's nice; I feel less bitter and less like I'm holding on to frivolous things that I can't control. I feel like I'm happier- not feeling 100% but I'm happier with things and the things I'm not happy with I'm not afraid to try to fix anymore. I've already begun the process of re-building bridges and sifting through the riff raff of people and things in my life, making up my mind on who really wants to be there and who I want to be there. I'm over all the half ass bullshit.

But onto the artsy stuff (!)
-I'm currently designing a book cover for my friend Mary who is getting published (congrats to her). It's still very much in the works but I will keep you updated on it (the cover and the book) as things progress.
- I'm thinking about picking up painting because I've always wanted to and what better time than now? I mean shit it’s not like I'm gonna live forever
- I'm FINALLY contemplating starting the comic again (this is the back burner of the art projects because I'm less of a story telling mood and more of a just creating shit mood)
- And lastly of course as always the BAND UPDATE:
Well... me and nick never talked but from what I know (this is what he said he was thinking about doing when we last talked on this phone) he took the material he wrote on the guitar while in SWK and took it all to his new band so who knows what’s gonna happen or what already happened to SWK I'll keep you all updated if me and him get a chance to talk.

But never the less my side-project-turned-band is moving along quite nicely, the band name is still up in the air but I think that’s kinda the last thing we're worrying about haha. Currently I've been doing most of the writing 7 songs are on the table. 7 have lyrics, 5 have guitar, a couple have drum and bass parts but I'm not sure if those are going to get changed by the new talent haha I've recently found a bassist and drummer who are hopefuls for being in the band but I'm still holding off on announcing it till we have a few practices and see how well it works out between us. I can say I very much enjoy this project I'm working on, I especially like how the writing process is going with this band, it makes me look back at SWK and wish I had done things differently- I love being able to work on all aspects of the band and not just lyrics while someone else does all the music, in my opinion it makes the songs flow better together because then it’s not like getting two ideas and squishing them together till they fit it’s more like starting with something and adding to it until its finished. The downfall to the new project for you who care to hear it is that I'm going out of my way not to rush it; I don't want it to be all hype and pass arounds without a backbone so nothing will be getting posted on FB or various other sites till things are solid. For example I won’t be making a band page for it until we have at least 3 songs recorded. But don't expect that to take too long, I already have a decent amount of people who want to help with getting a couple songs recorded and keep tuned for the dates of some smaller shows that should be happening soon :] oh and thank you everyone who has been supporting me through all of this- You deserve a lifetime of cookies.

Oh and happy birthday shoutouts to Chelsea Epic and Mel Baca
Congrats on graduating to my cousin chris, cousin nick, and to my molly girl angie

But yeah I think that’s all for now...
Until later, bye

Dear World

This is what my life sounds like

"Why do you build me up buttercup, baby just to let me down and mess me around."

Dear Everyone,

This is going to be a three part blog;
-Part one is a writing exercise that i saw in Meg from Meg and Dia's blog.
-Part two is going to be a slight update on life, very brief.
-Part three is going to be a letter.



1) This first part is a way to recollect on your previous week or just on that day in particular, I'm going to start doing one every friday in my journal and I'll more than likely re-post all of them together eventually in a blog. This one will be for last week.

Seeing: Too many people obsessed with forcing themselves into others lives.
Tasting: The bitterness of having to force myself to catch myself.
Hearing: The same songs on repeat.
Smelling: Everything that makes me want to vomit.
Feeling: Sick and tired of feeling like you're only my friend because you need something.


2) I lost some and won some, then picked myself up and began the walk that I know all too well without answers from the people who needed to provide them- I even asked some of them without any form of result. Honestly I have no clue what happened to SWK, we never talked about it until i was too sick and tired to be able to make a decision. I have continued to write music without nick for the band, I'm suppose to meet with him soon to figure things out. I've also been sick since May 12th, I could barely leave bed and the doctor basically told me he had no clue what was wrong. I dont blame him the illness eventually proved to be out of his means to find due to the restrictions of his office and his lack of focus on the problem. I was admitted into the hospital friday and have been since diegnosed or as I like to refer to it as "tagged and bagged". I finally was able to start eating solid food today and the doctor said that i should be out of here tomorrow at which time i will basically straighten out some things and finish the songs I was in the middle of writing not to mention the songs I've written since. Sorry for being MIA for such a long time


3) Dear World,
I'm trying not to be bitter anymore. I'm tired of wasting away everything i have to put out the fires everyone keeps setting to every bridge I ever built. I'm done, I don't want to spend my life holding up the card castle that I let everyone turn my life into- I shouldn't have let this go on as long as I did. These moments are too short and I'm already too old to be clenching on to the past and the mistakes that I've convinced myself that I made when I know that I'm not the one that set this world on fire. I don't need sham friends, I don't need promises, I don't need words and paraphrases and I don't need tomorrows and todays because none of it can sit in the palm of my hand, none of it will ever be 100% and none of it can be a sure thing. I'm tired of being fed the same lies my whole life and I'm tired of being so dumb and naive that I think that everyone is different. 21 years and I am so concerned with everyone else and everything else that I literally gave myself a disease and the only things I have to show for it can be counted on both my hands, I'm ok with that now... It took more than I thought I had but I'm ok with it now and I'm ok with who I am and who I will be and to everyone else fuck you and thank you, pick which ever you honestly think you deserve.
Sincerely and honestly,
Matt
  
4) Until later, bye.

This Is A Rant

The Forgotten Power Ranger

"Lay me down, and tell me everything will be alright, things will be alright"

Dear Everyone,

I've given up.

I've given up on trying to understand and on trying to wrap my head around everything. I'm done hiding what i truly feel and what i honestly think. It's never gotten anyone anywhere waiting, wishing and hoping and I'm done fitting myself into a box so the rest of the people I'm around can conserve there ideals of me and so that people can feel "okay" about the things. I don’t see a point anymore in thinking about doing things or trying to decipher the code that is life in order to make the perfect decision, if you spend your whole life planning you'll never do a damn thing and that my readers and friends is a waste of life.

I also have recently realized that I miss the world through the eyes of kids or even just the youth, like when you basically shat yourself and laid in bed just day dreaming when you got a girls (or "guys" for the female readers) number or even when you held hands for the first time- now it’s all about living your life through your proverbial dick all the time and constantly looking for answers between sheets and sweet nothings that are whispered in ears like promises that "everything will be alright. "The problem with sex is self-respect, calibration- the orgasm services your validation". The world has lost its innocence in the back ally where the internet and uggs were born.

My life has turned into what i can only describe as an all nighter with too much fast times and flashy lights, nothing slows down anymore. My body and sleep schedule have already basically given me the finger and I'm at a loss for words when in the back of my mind my sarcastic asshole voice begins to laugh at me and says, "this is growing up".

And honestly i don’t know if i believe it or not, is there something more to life than that? Parties and staying up late, sing-a-longs and street lights- these are the things my life sounds like. And the trade over is what? Having kids? Buying a suburban track home in a carpool wonderland? I'm not knocking on it, I mean I want kids and to be a dad someday I think it would be a blast but what’s the point behind all this? Am I grown up when I grow up or when my life has aged and matured like some kind of fine wine?

I don’t know, these are the reason's I've given up on understanding.
I can say through giving up I've learned a lot and I’ve taken on a new way of thinking things through in life. It's nice :]

But I'll take a band update here at the end of the blog before I end it abruptly after the rant so...
BAND UPDATE: We've basically gone into hiding and have begun the reemerging process in recent days. We have been practicing our asses off and we can now confidently say that we have 4 of our own original songs done and done and we have begun to get them ready for performances. We're currently working on 2 other songs but we're trying to stay focused on practicing so we can start to play some shows. We're also hoping to record some of our own stuff soon so we can post it for all of our lovely fans to listen to, currently we haven’t because nick wants to use an M-mod to record so we gotta wait till we get one to start the recording process. But begin to expect a lot of stuff from Secrets Worth Keeping in the near future because we are ready to get out there and show you all that you are supporting us for a good reason :]

Oh and for the record DISCLAIMER: I'm not referencing anyone in particular even though I'm sure certain people will think I'm talking about them but I'm not, this is jus the things I've observed throughout the past couple weeks.
But that’s all for now so,
Until later, bye.

They Smell Like Vitamins And Death

I Got Friends In Low Places

"They say that love is forever, Well forever is all that i need. Please stay as long as you need."

Dear Everyone,

 

I know I've been slacking in recent weeks, life's been hectic... I've been dealing with a lot of inner and outer demons. To make the most sense of it, I've become my own worst critic in life and I'm doing my best not to fall back into old habits of giving up when things seem too good to be true. On top of that I'm having problems with just certain things in my life and I'm trying to stop myself from letting my emotions get the best of me and just stay calm and think things through... I guess as the phrase should go, I'm my own worst enemy and my own biggest downfall even though on my own I built these walls.

But in the time I've been gone I obviously haven’t just been sitting in a room meditating, these past couple weeks have proven to wear on me as a person a lot more than I had ever expected. Between heavy decisions, exhausting conversations, ridiculous yet fun times and scary as fuck nights I'm pretty sure I just took a couple weeks off my life expectancy. A lot of heart felt conversations took place which was nice, mended a lot of friendships that I was starting to have major worries about, still a couple more to go though.

The scary part of course was the GHOST HUNTING. So last night I'm pretty sure I made more dumb decisions than I have in like 2 years or so? Just a guesstamate. So the story begins with the night before (monday) me, dez, nick, ashley, chelsea, and chris all decided that we're gonna go ghost hunting on Tuesday night. The next night we all sat down and talked about it and decided to have one last go at haunted hill. Well we were driving up there and noticed the full moon... which I'm not gonna lie made me a little concerned but I decided to brush it off. So have any of you ever heard of skin walkers? 

A little run down on skin walkers is that they're demons/dead witches that killed a family member back in the old days to gain the power of shape shifting into whatever being they want to change into, also its said that if you make eye contact they can posses you and or take your shape/form. Rumor also is that they only come out in desert areas or route 66 mainly on nights of the full moon. Hah, yeah i know right? fun shit. 

So we head up there all gearin to do some ghost hunting, and there's this one little place where a gazebo used to be (it burnt down a couple weeks ago) that we always have a communal cig at before we wander into the hills. We were all sitting, conversating and smoking then all of a sudden a coyote starts to howl. We look at each other and laugh and say something along the lines of "guess it caught a rabbit". Well you know how when that sort of thing happens one howls then another one from far away howls and then they just kinda use that to get back to each other? Well that wasn’t the case this time. Apparently these "coyote’s" were traveling in a pack and within seconds roughly 15 start howling about 20 feet from us. So we decided not to find out if they were in fact skin walkers and just bailed. 

BUT! Of course that wasn’t enough excitement for us! Never! Ashley begins to tell us about a place called "Chilili" where two families have basically started their own town through in-breeding with each other repeatedly for generations. No pictures are allowed, you're not allowed to stop, and there is a super creepy water tower, a giant glowing red cross hung above the town on the hill and on occasion if you get caught slowing down and such a car will chase you that will try to run you off the road. So we drove into the mountains through all the windy roads and such to go and check it out of course. We get there and its effin creepy as all hell, the red cross is eerie and we all have just a bad feeling when getting in and driving through the town. But we slow down and look around without stopping and such then leave the town and turn around, ya know the normal stuff for stupid kids to do. But as we go back through the town to go back the way we came we slow down and look and then eventually just start on our way back but the thing is apparently the families don’t take too kindly to slowing down so as we're calmly driving away a car pulls out and starts to speed after us. This is about the point that all of us start to freak. So we're racing through the windy roads through the mountains with the fuggin hills have eyes right on our tail all of us cursing and screaming like little girls. Chris wass in the back with blankets over his head so he has no clue what’s going on aside from the fact that he knows we're being chased and of course as we're taking the turns the wheels are lifting off the ground due to the speed and the weight. It was fucking scary is all I have to say. I will give major props to ashley and the toaster (her scion) for getting us the hell outta there though; she was driving like a crazy lady. That was basically the last of the excitement for us that night. We went down to los lunas to try and find stuff but it was a bust then we all went home and slept. 

But I guess I should get into the band stuff before this post gets too long so yeah BAND UPDATE:

We have been practicing our butts off to say the least. We have some major plans and we officially have 3 of our songs completely done and ready to be recorded which should be taking place next week, we plan to have at least 2 more ready by the time we start recording our own songs. Also we've been getting our name and sound out there lately by playing at small get togethers and such which has surprisingly been going really well! Also I'm sorry to all of our fans but we decided to scrap the cover of "I'm In Love With A Stripper" But! Do not fear, we have already picked a new cover that we have been practicing to replace it that I think all of our fans will enjoy. :] Aside from all of that I guess just keep your ears and eyes open for updates and thank you all so very much for all the continuous support you give us :] We love you and such.

But that's just about all the time and stories i have for today...so I guess

Until later, bye.

They've Got It Out For Me

In regards to missing people dear to me

"I don't want to know where I plan to go or where I'm going, I just need to know I'm running, I'm running."

Dear Everyone,

I've decided that I'm going to go get my bike from my parents house and start riding it like I used to when I was young, I will ride it hopefully at least once a day. My reasoning behind this is that I want to be in better shape and I've come to the conclusion that life moves too fast and cars are simply making that problem worse and worse. I also hope that riding a bike around could help me sort out my head I've been deep in thought a lot lately. I've just been wondering on such broad subjects which I think I subconsciously do in order to keep myself from finding an actual answer to them.

Like sometimes I wonder what it all means. I look around and watch the world flying by at such rapid pace where everyone lets every stress consume there life’s to the point that they no longer even realize that they’re living in the first place. I couldn’t tell you that I remember the first time I caught myself doing the very same thing, I wish I could.

I lose my mind sometimes, letting emotions get the very best of me to extents that even I don’t fully grasp. I get shaky or paranoid or overly happy and likewise overly sad, but all of it makes me feel more alive so is it a bad thing or a good thing? Living through emotion to feel a buzzing exhilarating feeling is better than some things but just like most things it could be considered an addiction...

I read an article on addiction and how to tell if someone you know is an addict and I basically fit the bill to a "T" as some would say, so all morning long I've been analyzing myself trying to find out exactly what this article is saying I'm addicted to. Currently I can’t find anything aside from emotional things... nothing physical.

Sadly, we cancelled the ghost hunting project. It turned out that we were all too broke drive up to Santa Fe on a whim that it may be open and it was too windy to try for the other two, if you live in abq you understand- it was really windy this weekend. So we laid around and drank and watched the snow (snow in April?!?! yes. snow in April.) and just enjoyed each other’s company. Mostly this week was focused on the band, all the hype behind the covers getting posted finally kinda paved a way for a lot of "oh ma god"'s and "holy shiv"'s on mine and nicks part.

(BAND UPDATE) We did get everything up and running (well most everything) as I posted in the last blog the band pages are up. We kinda just gave up on the myspace page because it’s so hard to get it to load. But the FB page and the Reverb page definitely have taken to a good running start. On Reverb there's a top 75 of whatever city you’re in chart and through the last couple days we've somehow jumped to #17 on the chart. Also we had our first kinda practice with our maybe probably bassist on saturday which went refreshingly well, we all get along which is nice. This week is to be the real test of things, this week will be (as nick refers to it) "Hell Week" for us. Hell week is where we spend the whole week indoors practicing our own songs and perfecting and changing and so on so forth. We have 6 songs that we hope to have finished and about at the point where they’re ready for recording by the end of the week, but to keep from getting overly serious and hating everything at some point in the week we will be making and posting a cover video for you all to watch (details will be released later on). So this week I don’t know how much I'll be keeping updated with things, if any of you have anything you need to let me just go ahead and Facebook me or text me.

Again I have to say thank you all for all the support and for giving us a chance to take a crack at a dream that’s been mine and nicks since we were rather young, words cannot express how thankful we both are. :]

But I guess for now, that'll do it. so
Until later, bye

It's A Long Story

Right After First Nicks Tattoo (Credits to Electric Church Tattoo)

"When it's all said and done will you still love me?"


Dear Everyone,



So when it's all said and done this week has definitely kicked the crap outta me.

I've had probably one of the longest weeks I've had in a long time, I learned a lot though- about myself, about my friends, and about just life in general. On saturday we decided to get a slightly larger group together and try to go for up to haunted hill for round 2 with Jack, the ripper of abq... See the thing is though that when four hills catches on fire the fire dept. arent huge fans of kids running through the hills looking for ghosts so we had to do a rain check on hitting up haunted hill. But! We are basically professional ghost hunters so a slight change in plans couldn’t stop us! Needless to say, we work fast; We grabbed all our gear and headed for old town because we heard it's haunted.

It wasnt the scariest thing that we've done before, but it kept us entertained for the couple hours we wandered around. We took some pictures and got some unexplainable spots in some of the pictures, we heard some noises, and just some plain old creepy things happened like we laid down on the ground where some people are supposedly buried and dez all of a sudden felt like someone kicked her in the back- Ya know, weird stuff like that.

But for the record, we will still be visiting haunted hill at dead hour so do not give up on hearing the crazy hijinks of our ghost hunting actually expect quite the opposite! We are currently planning on either going to haunted hill, the insane asylum, or the santa fe prison this saturday. And yes of course there will be pictures, funny stories and a blog post for it all to fit in.

Also in a nut shell (referring to my life) I beat pokemon white, my Xbox 360 killed my Marvel Vs. Capcom 3, 2 of my favorite bands released new music (Taking Back Sunday and Meg and Dia) so check that out. Also nicks tattoo is itching currently so if any of you run into him in person slap him in the chest :]

and in order to attempt to not let this thing go on forever BAND UPDATE:
Well loyal fans that actually read this thing just for the band updates you will be thrilled to hear that we have made some gargantuan strides in our music. This week was a very hard week for us, You could say we came to a cross road and are rather bad with decisions but never the less from what I can tell we came out on top! We finally made the bands Face Book page, My Space(or because myspace is so cool now "My_____" page), and a page on reverbnation. Saturday we're gonna be having a big band practice day where our possible bassist may be joining us. And tonight we'll be taking some pictures to post on the pages! Also! We finally recorded the 3 covers we promised and they will be posted soon. We were suppose to have them posted today but Satellite Cafe wouldnt let us so we must now find alternate means of uploading them somewhere :] but I promise, they will be posted by the end of saturday at the latest. SO BE EXCITED.... or whatever... :]


Oh and I suppose I should post all the links to all the stuff now huh?
FB- http://www.facebook.com/pages/Secrets-Worth-Keeping/200609703303083
MS- http://myspace.com/565734820
RD- www.reverbnation.com/secretsworthkeeping

But for now, that is all- More to come for sure though so keep checking back
(ps. I have a plan to possibly upload the songs tonight after work! hopes it works)
But for now
Until later, bye

I Never Really Did Think Things Through

I'm convinced the dots around me are ghost orbs.

"I've got a twenty dollar bill that says no-ones ever seen you without make-up, you're always made up."

Dear Everyone,

So last night me, dez, and nick decided that it would be a brilliant idea to go ghost hunting. We went online and looked up local haunted areas, houses, anything that we could go check out so we could get the bajesus sacred outta us. After roughly 30 mins of tirelessly searching for something to scare us we found the legend of abq's very own Jack the Ripper. Allegedly some dude way back in the 1800's used to take prostitutes to his cave in the mountains on the weekends and kill them there and there have been reports of people hearing screaming, bodies being dragged, footsteps, and seeing a lamp being carried down one of the paths (also one site reported people being chased by "Jack" as they refer to him). So needless to say, we had to go check this one out- After a trip to walmart to make pop sickle stick crosses, get us some sea salt and some flashlights we were basically official ghost hunters.

I will admit I'm pretty sure I was the most spooked outta all of us going up there, without explaining background I'll just say I've had my fair share of brushes with ghosts and such.

To make things basic, we spent about 2 hours up there and did receive results surprisingly. Aside from the pictures we took with floating orbs in them we heard body dragging, and a couple other random noises like wheezing and I personally heard footsteps. OH! And all of us on separate occasions saw a lamp go over the top of the hill at the same spot.

Of course, we're all a glutton for punishment sooooo we're planning to go back soon. We'll be scouting it out during the day and next time the changes we'll be making will be the following

- Chris is suppose to be tagging along and i believe we need to bring one other to make it a prime #.

- We'll be going at dead time (3-5)

I'll keep you all updated on our ghost hunting in abq escapades hahah

But aside from all of that stuff I've recently decided that I'm too bitter and stressed for my age. Mainly I'm just a whole buncha stressed but I find myself being bitter more and more often lately, I wish I could control that more in myself. But never the less I am not perfect nor do I think I ever will be, so I'll have to settle for all the messes and stress induced situation I get myself into all the time, and probably use my escape of pokemon to balance them all out :]

But on a new note, I have started doing some of the drawings- expect results probably mid next week because I have so much planned for the next few days. I'm drawing Chelea and Mary currently and I'm doing a special side project with chelsea's picture. I'm also (inspired by birdy) contemplating trying my hand in painting again haha.

And for the people who read this only for this segment, BAND UPDATE:

So we've made a lot of changes recently; Me and nick have decided that we're going to make 2 covers there is talk of a 3rd but it’s not for sure yet but the 2 covers (that we plan, plan being the key word, to record tonight) will both be posted online for the fans to devour and use to crush our dreams and tell us to just give up while we're behind. Also we officially (and nick will probably get mad at me for telling you this) have finished 2 songs and are currently practicing them because we want them to be perfect and comfortable before we record the online post-able versions of them. We have 2 songs we need to finish, each one of us is lacking on one of them. And we have an idea for 2 more songs that we have done our best not to try to start because we need to finish stuff first. Also, I'll talk to nick and if he's ok with it the next time I post it will either be with the names of the songs we're going to be covering or with the covers we're suppose to record today.

Until later, bye

I've Watched This Play Out Already

"It was your world baby and I just lived in it"

The Glamours Of Recording

Dear Everyone,

So the picture of the day is titled "this is what recording looks like", and let me say- its not as glamorous as it seems. Well this is one of those late night blogs, Dez already went to sleep and we just got back from the bar- Me? well I'm waiting for Nick, Reva, and Chris to get back from ihop because they wanted to go to a sit down place. *shrugs* 

So now I'm here... Bored... trying to stay awake so I'm using all of you to keep me awake.... 

Which is also an excuse for me not to do what I'm suppose to and to keep away from writing another song because me an nick have agreed to not do anything new till we finish what we already have on the table... so i guess this is a BAND UPDATE haha

Well today we didn't record vocals like we were suppose to... we realized that we've been approaching it all wrong... we haven't been writing like a team so its been all scrambled and is lacking the essence that is us. So me and nick are currently going over every single song we've written and tweaking it- this is partially and mostly because we think that the small fan base that we've already accumulated deserves a better band... If that makes any sense? We basically think you all deserve better than us half assing it but trust me what we're doing is and will def be worth it :]

On a side note, I'm in an odd place mentally lately... I have a couple friends going through some really heavy shit and I find myself at odds ends racking my brain trying to think of just one way that i could help... I always wish i could help... I'm also slowly realizing that I cant always change or fix things, strangely this is a very difficult concept for me to come to copes with. I wish i could always make my friends problems make a 360 turn but sadly i cant... One day i hope to be able to understand how the world works and how the human mind grasps the simple things and lets go of the heavy hard and brutal realities... 

Here's to hoping right?

But i guess never the less, I'm getting somewhere. I'm getting better at the little things and soon enough I'll tackle the big things that make me twitch and such haha. But for now, those of you who are having a hard time I'm praying for you... and I'm not a super religious guy so personally that's saying a lot. But I hope everyone is having a great night. Me and Nick are definitely trying very hard to hammer something real that you can hear.... We did record a very rough version of us covering "Damned If I Do Ya, Damned If I Don't"... So I guess if you really want to hear that you can badger us enough to the point that we'll post it somewhere so you can hear it :] 

Badger Nick, He's better at decisions than me :] 

but for now, i guess i should stop rambling... so

Until later, bye

I Only Did What I Had To

"I loved you more, than I would ever dare tell you, I'd ever dare tell you."

 
(picture of the day)

 This is a two part post today, part one being the interact part and part two being the blog post where i ramble a lot.

Interact With Readers Part-
1. Send me a picture for me to draw.
2. What would you do if you won the lottery? Answer in comments.
And now on to the blog.



Dear Everyone,

Yesterday me, dez, and nick partook in playing the lottery for the first time all because of a fortune cookie. Of course we're hoping to win but i kinda have this feeling that it won’t happen but at the same time nick was picking numbers that spoke to him so who knows. Also since this sparked the interactive question i will be posting and talking about mine and your answers sometime either this week or weekend. :]

It's been really windy lately, Albuquerque has officially become the bastard offspring of chicago and all the hot deserty parts of arizona. Personally, I effin hate the wind. It's annoying, it fucks with your sinuses, and it messes with everything i try to accomplish in my whole 2 mins i spend in the bathroom before leaving the house- It’s just stupid. But i guess i should be more productive with this blog instead of just complaining about the wind.
Lately I've been having a writer’s block of sorts; every time i get on here to express myself to the few people out there who actually care to read this i clam up and just write bullshit that doesn’t make sense then i delete it and repeat the first 2 steps, Its rather bothersome. I guess my minds starting to repeat my natural problem of hiding when it begins to be noticed creatively or really at all i suppose haha.

I have noticed recently a lot of things that I thought were laid to rest months or even years ago are starting to come back, I guess it just proves that you can never really bury the skeletons in your closet right? It’s really got me to start thinking about the heavy handed feelings like regret and denial its especially gotten me to start second guessing myself on a lot of those decisions I’ve made in the past couple years pertaining toward old friends that I’ve lost. Mainly it just makes me sad, but it’s still enough to get ya melancholy in my opinion.

But I have been going out of my way to try and just stay positive about everything in life, Also (BAND UPDATE) I decided a couple days ago the album (the rough album) will be done (recording wise) by the end of the weekend. I'm going to be finding secluded moments so i can just belt out some vocals and see where i might and might not want the songs to be going. Then as soon as that’s done the vocals will be recorded and the songs will be posted. Nick does have a couple of random things to do as far as writing a new chorus or bridge (also he still has to write the whole guitar part for kira) but I'm gonna kick him into gear with some red bulls and get him going like a maniac! It’s going to be awesome. It will definitely have to wait till the weekend though because currently I'm in really inconvenient hours at work so I have very little time to do much of anything aside from sleep and eat. But the album will go on gosh darnit!

And for those of you who have gotten this far in this blog post I again will ask for pictures of your to draw, I get bored at work and nick told me to hold off on the song writing because at that point I had 6 songs and he only had guitar for like 2 of em (because i write lyrics for one and he couldn’t get a good feel for how to make the guitar) but still. Now i need to do something so I’m going to start drawing again which requires that i have something TO draw... So send em.

Also I'm thinking about planning a road trip or a camping trip who's in and where should we go?
On that note I’ll be taking my leave so
Until later, bye.

Cardigan Weather

"Well I’m stuck in this fucking rut
Waiting on a second-hand pick-me-up
And I’m over getting older"



(Sorry today there will be no picture of the day for the simple reason that I saw nothing that deemed fit to take a picture of... yes it’s one of those days.)



Dear Everyone,


I had broken sleep and broken dreams last night, all of the things that were said among my dreams and all the things i thought I’d heard between waking and rolling... well let’s say I woke up in somewhat of a drunken stupor when i got up at 4:15 this morning and in my opinion that’s no way to start off a morning much less a week. I'm in a weird mood because of it.


Everything in life seems to be going by so fast lately, and in that realization I've come to the following conclusions:
-I hate my job
-I need to be more proactive
-There's not enough minutes in the day (in this realization i decided that at some point between the age of 10 and 21 someone started to take a couple of the hours in my day that used to be there and they do this on a daily basis when I’m not paying attention.)
-I'm looking for something
-And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.


I'm wasting too much time trying to slow things down instead of just trying to keep up or maybe the other way around but either way, which of the two is the way I’m supposed to go about this? I've been adding a lot of new things that i used to do back into my life and I'm pushing so many other things aside without even realizing it, I can hardly even notice anymore. The rubber band that I've become is starting to tether and tear instead of keep everything together.


I wrote a song in my drunken stupor the other night, I still don’t know what it means- I was telling nick when i read it the next morning that I wished I could go back to the previous night and talk to myself about it among other things, he just sorta laughed at me. I personally think that the "you" that you really are, like the "you" that’s driven by your untainted and untamed thoughts and emotions comes to the surface when alcohol dilutes the logic, reasoning, and fears that we have to keep them in line.
The easiest way to really let go is to trick yourself into doing it.


I'm afraid of what my life is bringing to the table, but at the same time I can’t see 5 feet in front of me so why should i care? I mean if it hits me it’s not like I’ll notice until I'm on my back saying "What the Fuck was‘that?"
So I'll try to let life bring what it will and I'll try harder now (that I’ve realized I'm doing it) to let life hit me in the face, maybe it'll knock some sense into me.


I guess I should move past my ranting’s and get onto other things like the band. (BAND UPDATE) 4 out of 5 tracks have been recorded (musically), I can’t take credit for this due to the fact that Nick has been doing it all on his own in my bathroom while I'm at work. All the guitar and clapping and knee beats are now in a couple horribly rough tracks. I have the lyrics all written, but I’ve been neglecting taking the tracks to the side and finding out how i want the vocals to sound. I'm probably just afraid of failing or of my voice or whatever, but i can say I’ll be moving past that as soon as i can even if i have to force myself kicking and screaming. Nick still has to do the guitar on Kiera though so don’t go acting like he's all high and mighty and monumentiously(sp?) greater than me!! (I'm such a tattle tale) But right now mostly the ball is in my court. (I'm actually supposed to be recording the vocals today... we'll find out tomorrow is that actually happens.)


Also on a side note since I’ve been on such a stand still on the comic (I've been rather distracted with the pokemon game that i try to secretly play in my spare time in order to feed my inner nerd since I haven’t been keeping up on my comics lately) I've decided I'm going to try my hand at drawing portraits. So for the moment I ask that you send me pictures of you or your friends or anything really to draw and I’ll post the results on here and send it to you or give it to you after I’m done. :]

So now that I've rambled, updated and asked favors I suppose I'll leave you all empty, contemplative(hopefully),  and egger. so i guess...
Until later, bye.

Every Nights Another Song

"No one can catch me, the way that you catch me the
Way that you keep me when I'm out of time."



picture of the day


Dear Everyone,


In case anyone was wondering, it is in fact a Meg and Dia kind of week. If you havent heard them before punch yourself in the face then go look em up because they're basically amazing.


Ok and now that I'm done ranting over MAD on to the blog. Today has been a kinda odd day, probably because of the oddness of last night. It just had an odd feel to it, like something out of place was going to happen at any mintue... But of course nothing happened- uneventful as usual. The picture of the day is the song I wrote yesterday, it also has my super cool panda picture on it at the top with another picture of something i wanna say is a jinx type thing from pokemon?


I dunno, I get bored easily O.o
But! (BAND UPDATE) we have a new song in the works and the first chance we get we're going to record it, not to mention we are going to have a big ol' writing cram-ig day on saturday where we will hopefully finish the "happy sounding song", "the song from the other day that i messed up the lyrics on" and "kiera?"!!! Nick came up with an awesome guitar riff for the new song last night as well (the new song is called even seasons change) and i finished the lyrics and then did everything i could to not let it be influenced by MaD cover of ignition because it was stuck in my head all night (like i said, its a meg and dia kinda week)


Still no updates on the comic but as soon as i get a page or anything done for that matter it will probably be the picture of the month :] But yesterday I found my camera again! so expect me to be posting tons of new pictures of all the exicting things i do with all of my super awesome friends!~!!!!
Yup but i suppose ill call this to an end, sorry not much was said but tomorrow or the next day will make up for it! so
Until later, bye.

The Weather's Fair

"My Ugly mouth, Turn it all inside out. Wanna tell you I love you, all I'm hearing is monsters saying, 'Get out, Get out, Get out.'"

(picture of the day)

Dear Everyone,


So far today has been an odd yet swell day, weather is fair- gloomy but nice to look at. I fell asleep with far too much on my mind and I woke up with far too little sleep...


I have my reservations and of course I have my swollen head that I feel like I constantly need to drain of at least a quart of "thought juice", but to be down in the nitty gritty I'm slowly starting to wonder how I expect myself to pull everything I keep loading upon myself off. The band, the art, the social life, the work life, the home life, the recording, etc. the list goes on and on- I haven’t even really slept in days, and when I say I haven’t slept I don’t mean I’ve become an insomniac I more mean that my free time is spent sleeping... like I have to arrange time in my day to be able to let myself rest and when I do manage to pull off such a feet I end up sleeping restlessly and feeling like I simply never slept at all.


I guess this blog is becoming a story of my life, how difficult it is to be starting a band and writing a comic and blah blah blah blah
Mostly about how well I can complain and be drained of every last smidgen of energy that is in my body and still get up every day to do it again. I can say confidently that i want an energy drink at this point. Going to bed after the sunset and waking up before the sunrise loses its appeal after... well it never really had appeal to begin with just rules. But working class heroes need to bring home the moneys.


Speaking the band though (BAND UPDATE) - We've gotten 1 song done, 3 half done, and one fuck off track recorded. We began and finished most of one yesterday, the bass still needs to be written but it’s a work in progress. I'm currently actually supposed to be writing another new one right now but I can’t seem to find the exact words for what I'm feeling for the next song... I want it to be poetic if that makes any sense, or how nick put it I want to paint more of a picture than i have been for at least half of the songs-I want to test myself lyrically.


And comic update need not exist due to the fact that i have not done anything with it lately (yes, i know, I’m a slacker). But we hope to be finishing one track (recording and everything) by the end of this week which would mean that it will make its way to the internet world so i guess it will be listening able. :]
But i think this may be the end of today's blog, at least for now.
Everyone take care and
Until later, bye.

Polaroid Picture

"I don't even know you, you won't even know I'm gone."

Dear Everyone,

This is my new shiny toy of the week, sharing myself with the cyber world. So I suppose that means I should share a few things about myself with you:

I’m a creative sack of shit

I’m insecure

I have a wife and a dog

I’m the half time singer and most times lyricist in a band

I’m writing a comic book based off my life

I’m a sometimes poetry slammer

I like the idea of coffee and a cigarette in the morning even though I’m not fond of coffee

I’m allergic (mostly in my head) to tomatoes

And I always wear 3 things: A bracelet (Currently silly band given to me by Lily and Erica), A Necklace (Currently a glass piece given to me by my best friend Laura) and my wedding ring (given by my wife Desiree… duh)

And now that we’re done with the introductions I will begin by apologizing for the lack of anything on this page at the moment, Internet was been scarce and hard to come by lately. I created this because I want to document my life in some sort of way, I want an outlet from the things in the world that don’t seem to ever really… let up. So that’s what will be the prime subject matter of this blog, life and its ever twisted and ever turning prospects and realities. I hope my ramblings will someday entertain some of anyone who reads this.

Until Later, Bye.